Head Logic Won't Heal a Broken Heart: Emotional Gaslighting & Why Emotions Matter in Adoptee Grief & Loss
Emotions that stem from the heart as an adoptee—feelings of abandonment, rejection, and loss—can't be rationalized away. They must be felt, processed, and validated.
“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.” – Desmond Tutu
As an adoptee and a Certified Grief Recovery Method Specialist at Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo, I've seen firsthand how toxic and dismissive statements like "think with your head, and not your heart" and "it's all in your head" can cause profound damage. These phrases are not just misguided advice—they can be deeply invalidating to someone who is processing their grief, particularly for adoptees who are already navigating the complexities of loss, abandonment, and identity.
The Origins of "Think with Your Head" and "It's All in Your Head"
Both of these phrases come from a place of rationalism. "Think with your head, and not your heart" stems from believing that logic should always outweigh emotion. While logic has its place, this statement overlooks the simple truth that many of life's most meaningful experiences, especially in the realm of adoptee grief and trauma, are felt through the heart. "It's all in your head" is often used to dismiss or minimize someone's emotions, reducing them to an overreaction or a problem of perception rather than acknowledging the real emotional pain they're going through.
The Emotional Conflict for Adoptees
When adoptees hear statements like these, it can cause a painful internal conflict, instigating a war within ourselves. On one hand, they're dealing with intense emotions—loss, separation, identity struggles—that stem from their lived experiences. These emotions are real, visceral, and deeply connected to their heart. But being told to think with their head or that it's all in their head can feel like being gaslighted, as if their emotions are not valid or don't exist. This disconnect between head and heart creates a mental tug-of-war, leaving adoptees feeling confused, dismissed, and invalidated.
Adoptees, by nature of their experience, often struggle with feeling disconnected from their origins, and their emotions surrounding these issues can be profound. To tell them to rely solely on their logic disregards the depth of their grief and trauma. Emotions that stem from the heart—feelings of abandonment, rejection, and loss—can't be rationalized away. They must be felt, processed, and validated.
Another layer of complexity arises when we conflate emotions with intellect. Emotions are emotional, while intellect is intellectual. They operate in different realms, yet many of us, particularly adoptees, have been conditioned to approach emotional pain with intellectual solutions. Intellectual awareness—understanding something logically—does not resolve the emotional incompleteness caused by loss. For example, knowing intellectually that our adoption was meant to "give us a better life" does nothing to heal the emotional wound left by the separation from our birth families. Let's note that adoption can't guarantee a "better life," only a different one.
An incredible amount of time is spent undoing the damage caused by mixing intellect and emotions, trying to "think" our way through feelings that need to be felt. Many adoptees remain stuck in their healing journey because they confuse intellectual understanding with emotional resolution. Just because we can logically explain our experiences doesn't mean we've healed from the emotional toll. True healing comes from processing emotions fully—not from rationalizing them away. By allowing ourselves to feel without judgment, rather than intellectualizing our pain, we open the door to genuine healing and resolution.
Spiritual Bypassing and the Adoptee Experience
In addition to the damaging effects of phrases like "think with your head" and "it's all in your head," adoptees are often subjected to another form of invalidation: spiritual bypassing. This occurs when religious beliefs or spiritual practices are used to avoid confronting or processing painful emotions and realities. For adoptees, this can be particularly harmful. Instead of being encouraged to face the deep wounds of separation trauma, grief, sadness, and loss, we are often told to "pray it away," or worse, that our suffering is somehow tied to not following religious doctrine closely enough.
I've personally experienced this form of spiritual bypassing. I was told that my flesh was leading my way, implying that my feelings were bad or sinful because, in some religious contexts, following the flesh is equated with following the devil. This led me to feel shame, as though my pain and my very humanity were wrong. Instead of being invited to process my grief, loss, sadness, anger, and trauma, I was coerced and gaslit to suppress it under the guise of spiritual piety. When spiritual indoctrination teaches us to dismiss our emotional reality and avoid processing our pain, it becomes toxic.
This kind of spiritual bypassing can cause immense harm towards adoptees. When we are told to think with our head and avoid what our heart is telling us, we end up suppressing the very emotions that need to be acknowledged for healing to occur. Adoptees, more than most, need to navigate the waters of identity, belonging, and loss, and spiritual bypassing can act as a roadblock to that journey. It's essential to distinguish when religious or spiritual beliefs are guiding us toward healing and when they're being used to avoid the necessary heart work that grief demands.
Here are some ways adoptees are emotionally gaslit with intellectual cliché statements:
1. "You should be grateful and thankful you were adopted." – This invalidates adoptees' pain by suggesting they have no right to feel hurt, focusing on a logical "better life" narrative while ignoring the emotional toll of separation.
2. "You're overreacting; it's not that big of a deal." – This dismisses adoptees' valid feelings of loss or identity struggles by framing their emotions as exaggerated or unwarranted.
3. "Think about how hard it was for your birth parents and adoptive parents. How will your feelings hurt them?" – While intended to create empathy, it shifts focus away from the adoptee's pain, making them feel guilty for their feelings and as though they should prioritize someone else's narrative over their own grief.
4. "Adoption is a beautiful thing." This blanket statement romanticizes adoption, glossing over the trauma and loss many adoptees experience, making their emotional pain seem out of place in a "beautiful" situation.
5. "It's all in your head; you're fine now." – This phrase dismisses the profound emotional impact of adoption by suggesting that because the adoptee's current situation may appear stable, their emotional struggles are imagined or unnecessary.
6. "Don't live in the past" – This undermines the importance of addressing unresolved grief, loss, or trauma by pushing adoptees to "move on" without properly processing their emotions.
7. "Your birth parents gave you up out of love" – While this may be true in some cases, it minimizes the adoptee's feelings of abandonment and pain, suggesting they should only feel gratitude rather than the complexity of emotions that come with being relinquished. It also suggests that love is loss and love is pain. This can and does forever conflict an adoptee's view of love.
8. "Other people have it worse" – This common gaslighting tactic compares adoptees' emotional struggles to others' pain, suggesting that their feelings are insignificant in the enormous scope of suffering. This is very harmful and never helpful.
9. "At least you have parents" – This statement diminishes the adoptee's experience of grief, loss, anger, sadness, and identity confusion by reducing their pain to a comparison with those who are orphaned, ignoring the nuanced emotional trauma they face.
10. "You're thinking too much about this" – This implies that adoptees' deep emotions surrounding their identity and adoption are the result of overthinking rather than legitimate, complex emotional experiences.
11. "Everything happens for a reason." – This phrase implies that adoptees should accept their trauma or loss as part of some greater plan (usually implied by religious cliches), which can invalidate their pain and prevent them from fully processing their emotions.
12. "You're lucky you didn't grow up in worse circumstances." – This statement minimizes adoptees' feelings by focusing on hypothetical adverse outcomes, dismissing their current emotional reality and struggles with identity or loss.
13. "Time heals all wounds"—This cliché assumes that adoptees' deep emotional pain will naturally fade with time, ignoring the need for active emotional processing and validation. Telling an adoptee that time heals all wounds is a dangerous myth. It can stall healing and create the illusion that, in time, things will magically get better. The reality is that it takes work and intentional feeling to make things better.
14. "You've got a great family now, isn't that enough?" – This implies that adoptees should feel content and not have any lingering emotional struggles, disregarding the complexity of their adoption-related grief and trauma.
15. "It's all in the past. Let it go." – This statement encourages adoptees to suppress their emotions rather than acknowledging that their pain is real and ongoing, making it difficult for them to address unresolved grief.
These statements may seem well-intentioned but often dismiss the depth and complexity of adoptees' emotional experiences of separation trauma, sadness, anger, grief, and loss, leading to further feelings of isolation and invalidation.
Grief Work is Heart Work
Grief, particularly for adoptees, is not something that can be "thought through" or dismissed as "all in your head." Grief work is heart work. It's messy, emotional, and often illogical. Adoptees need the space to process their feelings and to be heard and understood. Shutting them down with dismissive statements can cause significant harm, even to the point of exacerbating suicidal thoughts. For many, the isolation of not being heard or validated can feel like a death sentence.
Becoming "Hearts with Ears"
One of the most powerful ways to support an adoptee is to simply listen—to become "hearts with ears." When we listen without judgment, without trying to rationalize or explain away someone's pain, we allow them to process their emotions in a safe space. Listening is not about fixing; it's about hearing and holding space for another person's grief.
Research shows that listening without judgment and with empathy can lower stress levels, create a sense of connection, and improve mental health outcomes. It's no surprise that those who feel truly heard often experience a sense of relief, validation, and healing. For adoptees, who may already feel like their voices are silenced or misunderstood, having someone listen can be life-changing.
Why Heart Feelings Matter
Heart feelings—emotions that come from the core of our being—are crucial because they are often the most authentic expression of who we are. They tell the story of our experiences, our wounds, and our needs. In adoption, these feelings may include grief over separation from birth families, a longing for identity, or pain from the trauma of relinquishment. To deny or minimize these emotions is to deny a fundamental part of the adoptee's experience.
Feelings that come from the heart are not irrational—they are the body and mind's way of processing pain and trauma. In fact, studies show that emotional expression is critical for mental well-being, and suppressing these emotions can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems.
How to Become a Better Listener for Adoptees
To support adoptees or anyone experiencing grief and trauma, we must become better listeners. Here are some ways to improve:
1. Active Listening: Truly focus on the person speaking. Don't interrupt or think about how to respond while they are talking. Instead, fully absorb what they're saying.
2. Validation: Acknowledge the person's feelings. Saying, "That sounds really hard," or "I can hear how much pain you're in," can go a long way in helping an adoptee feel seen.
3. Empathy, Not Solutions: Adoptees in pain often don't need advice; they need empathy. Instead of offering solutions, try saying, "I'm here for you" or "I'm listening."
4. Nonverbal Cues: Sometimes, the way we listen speaks louder than words. Maintain eye contact, nod, and offer comforting gestures that show you're present with the adoptee.
5. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage adoptees to explore their feelings more deeply. Ask things like, "How does that make you feel?" or "What's been the hardest part of this for you?"
6. Be Patient: Grief and trauma for adoptees are not linear. Be patient with an adoptee's healing journey, and don't expect them to "move on" or "get over it" on a timeline that suits you.
Listening as a Lifeline, Be a Heart with Ears
The phrases "think with your head, not your heart" and "it's all in your head," as well as the statements above, have no place in the world of adoption relating to an adoptee’s journey and grief work, especially when supporting adoptees. Emotions, particularly the deep-rooted ones that come from the heart, the essence of who we genuinely are, must be honored, not dismissed.
By learning to listen—truly listen—we can create space for healing, validation, and connection. Adoptees deserve to have their heart feelings heard and acknowledged, and by becoming hearts with ears, we can offer a lifeline to the adoptees who feel lost in their grief.
It's time we learned to listen better. The stakes are too high in the adoptee community to ignore this simple yet profound act of love and care.
If you’re an adoptee struggling with the complex emotions surrounding adoption, grief, or loss, I want you to know that you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Sometimes, all we need is a safe space to be heard and validated. I invite you to set up a one-on-one virtual Table Talk with me, where we can explore your feelings in a heart-centered conversation.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed or unheard or need someone who understands the adoptee experience, I’m here to listen and support you in a space free from judgment. You are not alone, and your feelings matter. Let's talk.
Q & A
Have you ever heard cliché statements like "You should be grateful you were adopted" or "Everything happens for a reason"? How did these comments make you feel, and did they help or hurt your emotional well-being? Many adoptees encounter intellectual clichés like "You’re overreacting" or "It’s all in your head," which can dismiss their very real emotions. How did hearing these kinds of statements impact your healing journey? What do you wish people would say—or avoid saying—when you share your feelings about adoption? Imagine if someone truly listened to you without trying to fix or rationalize your emotions—how would that change your experience? Feel free to share your stories. Your voice matters; by discussing these issues, we can create more compassionate, heart-centered conversations. Drop your thoughts below.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles that highlight the intersection of adoption, grief and loss I recommend reading:
The Essential Role of The Grief Recovery Method in The Adoption Constellation.
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
Acknowledging Immeasurable Adoptee Grief, The Real Mother.
When Adoptees Know Loss Before We Know Love.
Bewildering Adoptee Grief on Infinite Repeat.
30 Things To Consider Before Adopting From An Adult Adoptee Perspective.
Adoptee Holiday Grief, The Gift That Keeps On Giving.
Adoption Hasn’t Touched Me. It’s Ruthlessly Kicked My Ass.
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
Adoption: Deconstructing Harmful Myths We've Learned About Adoptee Grief.
Grief From Adoption? Most People Think Of Death and Dying When They Think of Grief.
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I love this and the different things we can do. Thanks for always getting into the soul of the adoptee. Beautiful.
Beautiful collection of our feelings as adopted people. I appreciate the list of steps we, and those around us, can take to help with healing. ❤️